I’d Hate Myself In The Morning

Playboy is full of pussies.

Self-evidence aside, I’m referring to a recent decision by their online division to pull a list written by a contributor who listed ten conservative women he’d like to hate-fuck. That link goes to the cache of the original article, which will only show the beginning of the list.

Judging by the spirit of the first entry, it’s quite evident that it’s in fun. Because no one would really admit to wanting to fuck Michelle Malkin even if it were in spite. I’d rather set my pubes alight than get anywhere near that loopy skank.

Apparently there was a minor conservative shitstorm that made Playboy cower in shame. Many characterized the article as advocating “hate-rape”, which seems to me to be a bit redundant, not to mention utterly ignorant.

Everyone knows what hate-fuck refers to. It’s mostly a figurative term-few people I know have actually debased themselves by nailing someone for the sole purpose of humiliating that person afterwards.  It’s just puerile guy-talk, for the most part-something that Playboy has not shied away from in the past, i.e. in their party jokes section.

Anyway, the deletion seems like a monumentally stupid move for Playboy, who needs all the eyeballs it can get-having been undercut top and bottom by quasi-wank toilet literature like Maxim, and the availability of free online porn(as long as you can finish in fifteen seconds). Playboy enjoyed its golden age 40 or 50 years ago, when it was marketed to “gentlemen”.

There are no gentlemen anymore, if there ever were any to begin with in our modern age. Therefore, Playboy should get a little rough around the edges, moving somewhere between Penthouse and Hustler. That’s not going to happen anytime soon, if this timid backpedal is any guide.

Well, that’s the story, and who cares. What we really need to look at is the ten who made the list, and comment thusly. Are any of these little fascistic fluffheads really doable? ‘Cause some of the dogs conservatives think are hot…ick. Ann Coulter, for example. How this anorexic horsefaced shemale finds its way into anyone’s fantasies truly mystifies. Oddly, Ann didn’t make the list in Playboy. Here are the Ilsas that made the cut:

1) Michelle Malkin-As I said, I would rather savor the smell of my burning ball-bush than get near that braying bitch.

2)Megyn Kelly-Yawn. Who can really tell the difference between these boring blondes anyway? Trying to differentiate these common creatures from each other reminds me of the old jokes about blacks and orientals.

3)Mary Katharine Ham-OK, they’ve got me here. I could give a go at Ham without wanting to change my identity and citizenship.

4)Amanda Carpenter-Yawn, this time in the generic brunette division. Wouldn’t be able to pick her out in a lineup. Unimpressed.

5)Elizabeth Hasslebeck-Eh, big deal. Only a tad smarter and better looking than Miss South Carolina and such. Looks like she came out of a polymer mold. A shiny happy dingbat.

6)Dana Perino-totally. This professional liar is the only part of the Bush administration that would be remotely enjoyable to get fucked by.

7)Laura Ingraham-Nah. That’s a man, baby.

8)Pam Geller-What a repellant thought. I wouldn’t fuck this narcissistic JAP divorcee with Jonah Goldberg’s dick. No way, oy vay, no how.

9)Michelle Bachmann-I wouldn’t, but I might pay to see her take a five-man bukkake session from the Founding Fathers. An insult to representative governments the world over.

10)Peggy Noonan-Agreed. Do I have an aunt fetish? If so, Peggy would haunt my erotic dreams. I could wear a Reagan mask to get her in the mood. I admit it, I’d be ok with Peggy showing me her shining city on a hill, so to speak.

In the end, there is only one thing that all of these women have in common with each other that I do find attractive. They all have the ability to make me laugh, laugh, and laugh.

Missing In Action:Chuck Norris’ Sanity

Someone please give Chuck Norris gainful employment, thus saving us from this:

On Glenn Beck’s radio show last week, I quipped in response to our wayward federal government, “I may run for president of Texas.”

That need may be a reality sooner than we think. If not me, someone someday may again be running for president of the Lone Star state, if the state of the union continues to turn into the enemy of the state.

It is never a good sign when an actor begins to act like one of his characters in real life.  Chuck Norris is not Walker, Joe The Plumber is not a plumber, and neither of them are pundits. There’s such a paucity of sense in conservative “thinking” I hardly know what to say. Neither does Chuck, because while appearing to be a clever play on words, this

the state of the union continues to turn into the enemy of the state

is an impenetrable non sequitur.  I was previously unaware that a speech could make the Most Wanted list. I also did not know that a country could be an enemy of itself.  Mmmm,  Chuck, this bag of pretzel logic sure is nummy.

Chuck confirms what many people have obviously sussed by now; that conservatives are authoritarian nutbags. Chuck isn’t very bright, so I don’t expect him to realize that “enemy of the state” is only a movie, and the term is derived from a rhetorical tactic from guess who?- Joseph Stalin. Let’s look at some other scholarly lapses from Braddock:

George Washington advised, “The great rule of conduct in regard to foreign nations is in extending our relations [and] having with them as little political connection as possible.” Yet the Obama just pledged $900 million in U.S. taxpayer-funded aid to Hamas-controlled Gaza and Mahmoud Abbas’ Palestinian Authority.

Shape recognition time! What’s this, Chuck?

That is the shape of the largest recipient of  United States foreign aid. I urge Chuck to immediately condemn the government for its unequivocal anti-Washingtonian practices with regard to Israel.

Thomas Jefferson counseled us, “We must not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt.” Yet the Feds have just skyrocketed our national deficit and debt by trillions of dollars, and it plans much more fiscal expansion with few expectations of resistance.

Guess Who? time. Name this man:

Guess what?

I am so glad Chuck took the vanguard on the ballooning debt issue. He’s been worrying about it since 2009. I also did not know the FBI had a hand in creating the debt crisis. Those fucking Feds.

Just see the rest for yourself, and make up your own jokes. This bitch would take up the entire front page if I were to address all the tortured logic in his column.

Alan Keyes Is Making…The Muttering Homeless Sound Like Rhodes Scholars

What’s more radical, a man who borrows to invest, or a man who thinks that civil war is coming?

Didja see that? Keyes claims Obama is a “radical communist”. He’s not just a communist, he’s a communist +1.  I think even Ann Coulter might have blushed at the suggestion.

To my amazement, Keyes is not just another right-wing blitherer. Motherfucker has a PhD in government affairs. Evidently, while jerking off to the Federalist papers, he may have missed some tiny details about communism… like, all of them. Even a self-taught schmo like me knows what communism is and what it is not.

Communism is…not socialism.

Communism is…not what the Russians, nor the Chinese, nor Cuba has practiced.

Communism is not…free education, free healthcare, or regulated business.

Communism is…and always will be, a nonexistent social system hatched in Frederich Engels’ basement, and never left the nest.

Ergo: Alan Keyes is the living embodiment of the adage that dumb-asses that go to school can still leave the school as dumb-asses. He also produces a corollary to another saw- that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.  Alot of knowledge is quite harmless.

None of the talking head wingnuts I’ve seen will embarrass themselves into going on record calling someone a communist. They have no problem with the S-word, but they will not take to the microphone sounding like HUAC on paint thinner.

But let’s talk about that S-word. Is Obama a socialist? No, he’s a Democrat, last time I checked his party affiliation. Are some new Obama policies socialistic? Yes. Is that a big deal? Nope. At the risk of sounding pedantic, socialism is not a big ‘S’ idea. And democracy is not a big ‘D’ word, and capitalism is not capitalized.

Observe: Baskin Robbins has 31 flavors. Now Baskin-Robbins is definitely one thing-an ice-cream purveyor; but if you look carefully through the plexiglass, you’ll note subtle differences in the types of ice cream offered. That’s important to remember, because the teenager at the counter will look at you like you have a dozen dicks shooting out of the top of your head if you just tell him you want ice cream. People behind you will wonder if you have had a concussion, or perhaps think you are a feral man-child who wandered into the suburbs.

So it goes with forms of government. I always enjoy pointing people here when they use the word socialism as if we were suddenly going to become soviets by executive order, screaming for ice-cream as it were. If you think that’s interesting, this will blow your black-and-white brain through the ceiling!

Something is new every day under the sun, ain’t it? Now go forth and speak of Alan Keyes as a real intellectual no more. If somehow you are not convinced of his batshit quotient, or just need a hearty laugh, please go here and look at the army of the (brain) dead he has assembled.

These people walk among you. Beware.

Beware.

Yesterday, Chris Matthews And I Had A Psychic Connection

It’s always nice to hear someone on TV say EXACTLY what you are thinking.

Some may think this is a Newtian neologism, but interestingly, this has a history.

The noun-as-adjective has been used by Republican leaders since the 1940s and appears in some GOP national platforms since 1948.

Democrat as an adjective was still sometimes used by some twentieth-century Republicans as a campaign tool but was used with particular virulence by the late senator Joseph R. McCarthy of Wisconsin, a Republican who sought by repeatedly calling it the Democrat party to deny it any possible benefit of the suggestion that it might also be democratic.

Hy-pig-crisy

I’m so fucking tired of this earmark business.

Hang on; I’m not against them. What tires me is the ceaseless political frisbee toss over their usage.

Earmarking is now a hot-button word. Yet I wonder just how much the public really cares about earmarks. I wonder how many people actually know what they are. From where I’m standing, it seems like a wank session between the news, a few blabbering Congresspersons and a watchdog group.

The players:

Taxpayers For Common Sense- non-partisan budget hounds, from what I can tell. Purportedly has saved taxpayers 5 billion dollars since 1995. Considering that the government has spent about 23 trillion dollars since then, their continuous appearance when a budget is being released seems a little self-aggrandizing.

Jeff Flake (R-AZ)-consistently gaining exposure for his steadfast opposition to creating earmarks, he has annoyed Congressional committees and mayors in his district for hamstringing his cities in favor of  ideological purity. Had no Democratic challenger in his 2006 re-election.

John McCain(R-AZ)-requires no introduction. Singlehandedly made “pork barrel-spending” an election issue last year. Clever; the very evocative and pejorative nature of the term itself was a mnemonic for his campaign. Still won’t shut up about them.

John Boehner(R-OH)-Minority House Leader. Sees earmarks wherever he looks. Must be frightening, to be haunted so.

The Media-although not a singular entity as many claim, devotes most of its time to repeating sensationalism and dinner bell chimes like “pork barrel” and “earmarks” to catch the attention of idiotic viewers and readers for the purpose of giving them something to bitch about.

That’s all, folks. Mostly. Anyway, as the above prattle on about earmarking, guess what? Forty percent of earmarks in the new budget are from you-know who, the party of fiscal discipline and family values, the Republicans. Either the right hand not knoweth what the other right hand doeth, or the party’s platform on earmarks is missing some nails. I’d go with a little of both.

In the wake of such hypocrisy, let’s hear a little sanity on the concept of earmarks. Now that we are starting to re-grasp the idea that government spending helps everyone without precondition of profit, is the public ready for this type of straight talk?

Despite the criticism, many members of Congress in both parties defend the use of earmarks as one of the most effective ways to get their fair share of federal tax money for their constituents. In the case of Massachusetts, Senators Edward M. Kennedy and John F. Kerry, as well as all 10 House members, are given credit in the legislation for inserting earmarks.

“These are my earmarks. I’m very proud of them. They are all strongly supported by the people I represent,” said Representative Barney Frank. The Newton Democrat and powerful chairman of the House Financial Services Committee backed earmarks that included $935,000 for a bus terminal in Fall River, and $475,000 for a community center in New Bedford.

Kennedy and Kerry took credit for a number of projects, including $950,000 for construction of a ferry dock on Long Island in Boston Harbor, $285,000 for “downtown streetscape improvements” in Haverhill, and $190,000 for the renovation of the Berkshire Theater Festival facilities in Stockbridge. “We stand behind every penny,” Kerry spokeswoman Jodi Seth said yesterday, stressing that the process has been “transparent.”

Representative Michael E. Capuano, a Somerville Democrat, is among those who believe that earmarks are a worthy use of congressional power. He criticized the decision to leave them out of the stimulus bill because he said that left too much decision-making in the hands of state officials who are receiving large pools of federal money.

“I didn’t run for office on the presumption that I don’t know anything about my district,” Capuano said. “If you don’t have some earmarks, all the decisions are left to the executives. There is no legislative input.”

James McGovern, a Worcester Democrat, said that earmarks are not pork, but are “nourishment.” McGovern’s earmarks included $665,000 to replace buses at the Southeastern Regional Transit Authority and $475,000 for a neighborhood revitalization project in Worcester.

“It creates jobs, it helps people,” McGovern said. “The earmarks I fought for are to help colleges and universities, to help hospitals with emergency rooms. . . . I think I know more about my district than some faceless bureaucrat in Washington, D.C.”

This is reality. I betcha there’s alot of people out there employed to perfom work on this “pork”. It’s quite clear to me that there’s not a whole lot wrong with coming home with the bacon. It makes people happy. And if Jeffy, Johnny, and Johnny want to damn a bill based on 1% of its content, I think it’s time to call these stiffs out for the microscopic irrelevance of their concern.

Mr. Rajahs

That was the Republican wunderkind?

I’m staring at my screen, trying to find the words to put the SOTU rebuttal into perspective.

I feel like Charlie Kaufman in Adaptation, suddenly.

Let’s put it this way;  if politics was like the cosmos, the Democrats are dark matter, and the Republicans are the visible universe. Obama triangulated so masterfully yesterday that the right side of the aisle will be reaching for albuterol inhalers to catch their political wind for weeks. That up there is all the Republicans have, folks: DIY. We have fiddling to do. God bless you.

Does Jindal know that ten year olds can’t vote?  Because that’s the only demographic I can think of that his rebut would have appealed to.  Between Hip-Hop Harry and this little worm who would like to deny UI to his ailing population while happily Hoovering up the remainder of the federal life ring, the rebranding of the GOP is a catastrophe of eye-popping proportion.

It’s more than that. It’s high comedy.  A potpourri of embarrassing ethnic flings from a party who doesn’t believe in affirmative action. They are so obtuse that they have completely misapprehended the meaning of the Obama administration, which has very little to do with the man’s skin color and everything to do with a call to national action.  The moving hand has writ in America, slapping the invisible hand away from digging its gnarled fingers yet again into the national conscience.

Franklin God-Damned Roosevelt is in the house again. Amen, and pass the popcorn.

This Is Why We should Not Privatize The Water Works

Something funny is in the water in South Carolina- we saw functionally retarded pageant contestants a few weeks ago, and now walking head wound Lindsey Graham is on the podiums of the groupthink tanks, saying that political reconciliation in Iraq is “weeks away”:

“there will be a major breakthrough on the benchmarks regarding political reconciliation. And after the last two weeks of being a reservist, you could see Sunnis and Shia and Kurds taking a second look at Iraq…the surge has worked and the people are war weary…  reconciliation at breakneck speed….the United States is kicking their ass.”

Hey, um, South Carolina, are you really buying this? You really want to send a boob like this to Washington? Carry on, then. This guy is wrong or lying nine ways from Sunday, but will anyone take note?

Still Dumb

 

‘Lil Lauren Caitlin knows exactly why some Americans don’t know where America is on a map, and she shore knows it ain’t any of her lilywhite BFFs that are contributing to those ritarded stertistics. She’s about as dull as they come, a trained poodle in heels. How many trains will be run on her in her freshman year after too many tooters?

Stupid Liberal Guilt

That’s what made me feel bad for Larry Craig (R-Widestance). I thought the poor fucker was going to just cop to it, but now he’s rescinding his “guilt” and I’ve found him blaming gay liberal hitmen for the scandal, ho ho. He also tried to pull rank on the cop by flashing his Senate business card. Add this to all the work he’s done to dehumanize the GLBT community-projecting his urges upon others and discriminating against other people for his obsessions by passing legislation that makes James Dobson happy, and I say fuck this clown- let him drown in his own poison. I’m thrilled that he’s not satisfied with the damage he has already done by doing such a pathetically transparent about face on his innocence. The wider implications for the GOP’s electability won’t bother me either.

Guns, God, And Gay

Well, well well. Romney campaigner and NRA flack Larry Craig(R-Lavender Bund) has gotten himself caught playing footsie under some airport bathroom stalls with an undercover cop.

I feel sorry for these poor gay Republicans, unable to scratch their sexual itch because their party and political lifeline is moored to “family values”. That’s the real tragedy here.

I bet the GOP is just wishing one of these wayward pervs would just act more like Bill Clinton or do something “normal”. I mean, there’s a pattern emerging here-when are their voters going to catch on that some of their staunchest political operatives and representatives are a bunch of closet Caligulas?

 I mean, what’s next?