More Conservative “Humor”

There’s a good reason why liberals run the entertainment industry. It’s because conservatives lack the requisite imagination to put people in seats. Nowhere are they more lacking in chops than in joke-telling. They choke on their sad punchlines every time. I bring you today’s exercise in Not Funny, courtesy of Connecticut’s Representative Mike Bocchino:

In Connecticut, lawmakers are debating a measure to define consent with respect to college sexual assault that would help prevent rapes on campus. GOP state Rep. Mike Bocchino objected…”No question that sexual assault is a horrific thing. No question that date rape things that happen on college campuses are disgusting. Because at the end of the day, there are no witnesses…or at least if there are, it’s a really great party.”

Hahahahaha! Aren’t you doubled over with laughter? Isn’t watching rape hilarious? Whoo-hoo!

To Have And To Scold

Christians think that marriage was created by God. Never mind how twisted marriage actually is in the Bible…

Yep. Anyway, as is the norm for the loopier of our Christian cultists, ignoring history is key to their belief. Here’s part of a full page ad in the Washington Post:

A message to the United States Supreme Court:

As you deliberate on marriage
Remember whose idea it was in the first place.

Marriage was neither manmade nor created by any law or Constitution. It was God’s plan and purpose for civilization from the beginning. He created man and woman as distinctly separate but inherently compatible; each unique yet sexually complementary – providing both the means for and the ideal relationship within which to raise children from that union.

Sorry, guys, but not only does God not mention “marriage” in Genesis, marriage itself predates even Judaism…

Factually, marriage was in existence as a social contract for many centuries before anyone heard of little Israel (the Merneptah stela, c. 1220 BCE). We know of Mesopotamian marriage from the Code of Hammurabi (18th century BCE). It is only thanks to Pharaoh Merneptah (reigned c. 1224-1214), the son of Ramesses II, who raised a stela in celebration of his victories, that we know Israel existed at all some 500 years later.

But by all means, go ahead believing in your false history so you can deprive loving couples of their constitutional rights. You guys better hope they don’t bring back the lions-we may not be keen to save you after what is said and done.

 

This Week In What The Fuck

I don’t even know how to approach this bucket of sick and stupid:

“Duck Dynasty” patriarch Phil Robertson conjured up a lurid fantasy about the rape and murder of an atheist family to illustrate a point about following God’s law.

“I’ll make a bet with you,” Robertson told the religious gathering. “Two guys break into an atheist’s home. He has a little atheist wife and two little atheist daughters. Two guys break into his home and tie him up in a chair and gag him.”

“Then they take his two daughters in front of him and rape both of them and then shoot them, and they take his wife and then decapitate her head off in front of him,” Robertson continued, “and then they can look at him and say, ‘Isn’t it great that I don’t have to worry about being judged? Isn’t it great that there’s nothing wrong with this? There’s no right or wrong, now, is it dude?’”

“Then you take a sharp knife and take his manhood and hold it in front of him and say, ‘Wouldn’t it be something if [there] was something wrong with this?’” Robertson said. “’But you’re the one who says there is no God, there’s no right, there’s no wrong, so we’re just having fun. We’re sick in the head, have a nice day.’”

“If it happened to them, they probably would say, ‘Something about this just ain’t right,’” Robertson added.

Does that even make sense? Atheists cannot have a sense of right and wrong, is that what he’s trying to say? What a swell Christian.

You Cruz, You Lose

So I’m listening to enormous bag of invective and wind Rush Limbaugh today. He said that liberals and the “mainstream” media are afraid of Ted Cruz because he can speak extemporaneously. He then chides Obama for never going anywhere without his ‘prompter. As with everything Limbaugh asserts, it is simply not true. I wonder if Cruz and his campaign are nervous about Rush’s carrying water for him.

Y’all have to face the facts. Rush is a boob, and boobs deserve other boobs, hence the full-throated verbal hummer that Rush gave Cruz today. Cruz is less popular than Mike Huckabee at the moment, so he may need all the friends he can get. When Cruz finally does talk himself out of the job, odds are that Limbaugh will follow the next wingnut of the week, not possessing the gift of reflection.

Laff-a-Lympics

And the first entrant into the clown car is: Ted Cruz(R-Incomptent)!!! I’m absolutely quaking.

With laughter. He’s the Michelle Bachmann of the 2016 race. I’m looking forward to lots of missteps and outright fuckups. Everything this guy touches turns to shit.

 

Jingo Ba

Last week was Foreign Language Week. But nationalistic fetishists were having none of it:

A school in upstate New York has apologized for reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in Arabic after complaints from district residents who lost family members in the Afghanistan war.

The pledge was read in Arabic during Wednesday morning announcements at Pine Bush High School, 65 miles northwest of New York City.

Some students were angered and responded with catcalls. District Superintendent Joan Carbone told the Times Herald-Record of Middletown  that she received complaints from residents who lost relatives in Afghanistan and from Jewish parents.

Never mind that they don’t speak Arabic in Afghanistan. And how is the language of Arabic inherently offensive to Jews? I guess they would raise hell if it were read in German too. But no-it’s OK to discriminate against Arabs in this country. Their precious pledge must only be read in English because our union is too weak to accept that The Other exists in this country.

What a sad, sad commentary on the state of race relations in the US. God forbid we get exposed to something other than our lily white Judeo-Christian exceptionalist culture. English uber alles!!

Blue-On-Blue Violence

Dear Democrat electorate:

Shut the goddamn fuck up about the Hillary Clinton e-mail “scandal”. It is being ginned up by Republicans and you are doing exactly what they want you to do-which is to doubt yourselves. Wake up, she didn’t do anything wrong; you are being taken for a fucking ride because Benghazi.  You wobbly, mushy motherfuckers fucked the country by not fucking going out to vote in 2014 and you deserve everything you fucking get if you do it again in ’16.

Thanks for playing, assholes. No wonder this country is in the shitter.

Yes, We Should Have

A good chunk of the left thinks Barack Obama’s presidency has been something of a disappointment. There was so much promised that never materialized. We had the whole government for a year and we couldn’t walk and chew gum at the same time by doing something other than healthcare reform. Sure, the economy imploded and the administration pivoted to that, but we could have made even more history. We lost Teddy Kennedy, and that was the end of the dreaming. Republicans guaranteed that the Obama agenda would be delivered stillborn.

So it’s a bit galling to find that Obama has found his inner progressive when his opposition is at its most powerful, when he can barely do a damn thing . But there he is. From gay rights to dope and immigration, from Cuba to Iran, he is struggling against the bonds imposed by a hostile Congress. Today, Barack offered one of his regrets and it is a day late and a dollar short:

President Barack Obama says if he could start his presidency over, he would have closed the Guantanamo Bay prison his first day.

Instead, the president ordered the detention center for terrorism suspects closed within a year. He says the politics around closure grew increasingly tough and “people got scared by the rhetoric.”

I guess he gets credit for being reflective, unlike some people I could name.

Gohmert Pyle

I have to give a lot of credit to the Iranians. They have been incredibly patient with our government’s hijinks and duplicities while we try to work out a tough international accord. It’s a miracle they are still at the nuclear negotiating table. I hate the fact that John Kerry probably had to tell them to ignore half our damn government or that he may have had to excuse our fractious Congress, who still doesn’t understand its place in The Big Deal. Today’s wingnut salvo is from Louie Gohmert(R-Teabaggistan):

He said the president was “slapping (Israel) around as an unwelcomed visitor,” but he remained hopeful Obama would treat Israel as a friend.

“Maybe once he starts doing that he’ll realize we do need to bomb Iran’s nuclear facilities that we know of and anything that they move to fix, we bomb that as well,” Gohmert said.

The Republican lawmaker said it was too late to negotiate with Iran on its nuclear program.

“We need to encourage this administration to go take out Iran’s nuclear capability,” Gohmert said.

“I think it’s time to bomb Iran — anything that resembles a nuclear facility with centrifuges,” he added. “It’s time to bomb.”

Who would have ever thought that the revolution would show us up like this? Gohmert and his dominio-zionists need to get their nappies changed.

Meet Your Caucus

Not long ago, Steve Doocy of Fox News opined that “mainstream media outlets were trying to make conservatives look like crazy people.” Can he drop this at liberalism’s doorstep? Oh, but you must look. There you will find Rick Santorum, trying to field a question from a woman who obviously belonged on a field trip from the mental ward who didn’t get back on her bus.

This is what nonstop hate media and outrage politics will produce. Own it, you sons of bitches.

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